Daring to Dream Read online

  Looking back on my childhood now, I wouldn’t change a thing. Not even the bullying. Now I’ve got kids myself I can empathise if they’re having a hard time at school because I’ve been through it myself. I would know the signs if they were being bullied and I would be able to talk to them about it. I’ve spoken to my children about bullying and how much it affected me and they know it’s not a nice thing to do. My daughter Brooke is in the same class as a girl who has learning difficulties and she helps her whenever she can. She understands that if she’s got the means to help someone, she should. I really hope those values stay with her throughout her life.

  Every single thing that happened to me when I was a young kid and a teenager has made me who I am now. Because I had to cope with my parents non-stop arguing growing up, I make sure Craig and I talk to each other about everything now. I don’t ever want to end up in the same position my parents were in because they stopped communicating with each other. It was horrible to see them fall apart, so anytime Craig and I have a problem, we talk it through.

  People still say to me now, ‘You had it tough as a kid’, but I didn’t know any different. If I’d lived in a namby-pamby house and skipped over to the park every day I wouldn’t be anywhere near as strong as I am now. I can stick up for myself and it’s also kept me grounded. I treat other people as I want to be treated, so I’m always nice and I’m always respectful. I really do believe you get back what you give out in life and there’s never a reason to be rude to anyone.

  CHAPTER 3

  SCHOOL’S OUT

  I was nearing the end of my school days and my GCSEs were coming up. My favourite subjects were music, English and cookery. I hated IT and French, mainly because our French teacher used to pick his nose and wipe it on his desk and it made me feel sick. Annoyingly, they didn’t bring drama and PE GCSEs in until the year after I finished, so they weren’t available. I didn’t do very well in my exams and the best grade I got was a C in music. I can’t read music but I can play it by ear.

  I didn’t really care too much about my grades because my plan was either to become a footballer or go to drama school. In the end I decided to apply to Bexley College to do a BTEC diploma in performing arts. I can’t remember much about the audition but I know I had to do a little bit of acting and singing, and I was so happy when I was offered a place.

  I was expecting there to be a massive class full of people, but when I walked in there were only eight of us. It was a really eclectic mixture of people. I got on really well with one girl, Michelle, from the word go. She had her own bedsit in Thamesmead, so there were no parents around when I went there and we could pretty much do what we wanted, which is a very exciting prospect at 16. She looked after horses; I’d help her muck out before college and we became really, really good friends. I spent so much time at her place I was hardly at home, which was definitely a good thing with my parents the way they were.

  We started going out clubbing in London with other friends to places like Club UK and Bagleys. I was in Club UK one night when I saw a guy walking around marking people on their backs with some kind of pen. I couldn’t really see what he was doing because it was dark, and the people he was marking were far too gone to notice what was happening. About 15 minutes later the music stopped and the police came in. They took away the people who had marks on their backs, and then the club carried on. It must have been the quickest raid known to man.

  Another time I was there, this poor girl was so off her nut a group of lads started stripping off her clothes on the dance floor. It was clear she was too wasted to stop them and everyone else was either ignoring the situation or laughing. Because I was sober I stormed in, grabbed her and took her off to the toilet to get her dressed. Then I got one of the bouncers to take care of her and call her a taxi home because anything could have happened to her. I really can’t imagine what appeals to people about feeling that out of control.

  Even now I’m always the one who gets my friends home safely after a night out. I can go out with £30 in my purse and come back with £28 because all I need is a soft drink. I’ll be the one who can remember everything the next day and I always take the mickey out of my mates for all of the stupid things they’ve done. We’ll have a right laugh about it and I’ll be safe in the knowledge that I didn’t do anything ridiculous. I love that feeling. People are always trying to get me drunk because they think I’ll be funny, but I don’t think my mum or Craig have seen me pissed once. Tipsy maybe, but never hammered. I don’t change much after a drink; I just get friendlier. I’ll sit on people’s laps and cuddle everyone, so it would probably be a bit dangerous if I was a full-on pisshead!

  Like drinking, drugs were never something I was that bothered about. I’ll hold my hands up and admit that I did try certain drugs in my younger years. I remember trying puff for the first time when my brothers were living in one of their bedsits. I went round to visit them and one of their mates thought it would be funny to give me a spliff. Obviously I tried to act like I was all grown up and had done it loads of times before, so I took several puffs and then laughed a lot and fell asleep. That was the last time I bothered with that. What’s the point in smoking something that’s going to make you pass out? Another time I ‘tried’ something was when I got spiked when I was 16. I was in our local pub and there were a group of lads on the next table who were all laughing at me. I couldn’t understand why so I ignored them. I went outside to play football in the beer garden and when someone kicked the ball to me it stopped in front of me and said, ‘Kick me!’ in a really loud, deep voice.

  I freaked out and went and sat underneath a tree to try and calm down, but I thought the tree was alive and was trying to grab me. Everything I saw was evil and everyday objects were turning into monsters with sharp teeth and evil eyes. Luckily some of my friends realised I’d been spiked and they took me to the hospital. I was put on a drip and I had to stay in for a few hours until I was back to ‘normal’. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. It turned out one of those boys had been boasting about spiking me but no one person would take the blame, so my brothers ended up punching every single one of them just to make sure they got the right person. But despite that incident, like most teenagers, I still experimented. When we went out I would be the only person who didn’t drink and everyone else would be having a good time but by 1am I’d be shattered and sober. We wouldn’t finish until seven or eight in the morning and I didn’t drive so I couldn’t get myself home, which meant I’d have to wait for my mates so we could all get one of the first trains home together.

  One day one of my friends said to me ‘Why don’t you take something to keep you awake and give you more energy?’ What she offered me was speed. I’d never tried it before but it did do exactly what she said. The side effects were awful. I was thin anyway and the drugs made me not to want to eat, and I wouldn’t be able to sleep so I felt like rubbish the next day. The next time I went out clubbing again I’d end up doing the same thing. I got into a really negative pattern for a short while.

  A lot of people I knew were doing ecstasy, which frightened the living daylights out of me. Because of peer pressure I tried it and I didn’t like it at all. I only really tried drugs because everyone else around me was doing them. Back then I was more of a follower than a leader. I guess I didn’t want to be the only one not doing anything and felt a certain amount of pressure to fit in.

  Everything was so readily available. I was so lucky that I didn’t like them because I know people who have got themselves into a lot of trouble where drugs were concerned.

  I guess because I’d grown up around all the alcohol and with my brothers doing drugs and seen the damage it did it put me off going down the same path. I was always aware that things could potentially tip over and I could end up liking things that weren’t good for me just a little bit too much.

  Thankfully the only things I’ve ever been addicted to are chocolate and cigarettes and I feel so grateful that I don’t have that self
-destructive gene. My family almost showed me what not to do.

  People drink or do drugs so they can escape, but I didn’t have any need to. I was always very outgoing and I was happy with myself, so what was the point in doing things that made me feel bad about myself and guilty? It made no sense. Another red flag for me was when a guy I’d known at school took something without finding out what it was. Tragically it gave him brain damage and he now has the mental age of a 13-year-old.

  I certainly wasn’t an angel when I was younger and I didn’t walk around with a halo on my head, and I did what I did because of the people who I hung out with. It scares me that these days apparently you can buy an ecstasy tablet for about £3. It’s cheaper than buying a glass of wine. It’s shocking.

  I’m glad there is so much more information available now and a lot of anti-drug campaigns which really hit home to people. All those years ago people were taking drugs and they didn’t really know the dangers, but now everything is very transparent and you know that if you do drugs you’re taking a huge risk.

  Some people will assume that once you’re famous it’s all sex, drugs and rock and roll but I can honestly say that I haven’t been offered drugs since I’ve been in the public eye. I think it’s quite clear I’m not that kind of person so that’s probably why. I would much rather have a cup of tea and an early night and I think people are well aware of that.

  Bexley College was a bit of a strange time. I think because I was going out so much and staying with Michelle all the time, it feels like a bit of a blur. It wasn’t all jazz hands (people walking around being over the top and showbiz) and am-dram like I’d expected; it was pretty laid back. We did a few shows and around Christmas time we put on a production called Cindy Ryella, an Essex-girl version of Cinderella. Michelle and I played the ugly sisters Sharon and Tracy, and I remember us getting on a bus in our outfits, which consisted of a pink mini-skirt, fur coat and tons of make-up. We stayed in character all the way and everyone on the bus was giggling at us.

  I knew everyone’s lines in the play because I recorded the whole thing on my little karaoke machine at home using different voices for different characters. Then I left blank the parts where my lines were supposed to be. I used to play it back over and over again and speak my lines during the blank bits. I took that tape with me everywhere and by the time we performed the show to an audience I knew the entire thing inside out. At the time we thought the show was West End quality, but if I were to watch it back now I bet it would be bloody awful.

  That karaoke machine was a godsend because I also learnt to harmonise using it. I used to record an entire verse of a song, like Take That’s ‘Pray’, and then play it back. Then I’d put another tape in the other side of the machine and sing over the top of it, so I was harmonising with myself. I used to do it over and over again and I had all of these tapes filled with different songs.

  I managed to get my diploma at the end of my year-long course, but the whole thing was so relaxed it was more of a laugh than anything. It was the first time I’d been treated like an adult and there was no one taking a register, so I could get away with being late and messing around because no one told you off. If we’d been out clubbing the night before, Michelle and I would roll up around lunchtime and the tutors didn’t say a word. We kind of made our own rules and I loved that.

  Because I’d passed the course I got the opportunity to try out for the Miskin Theatre, which was based in North West Kent College in Dartford. I got accepted and Michelle also got offered a place. We were still good mates but I’d started to kind of distance myself from her a bit. She was still partying a lot and I wanted to get my head down and work hard. I’d had my year of messing around and now I wanted to learn as much as I could about performing.

  On my first day at Miskin Theatre we were told we had to decide if we wanted to do acting, dancing or music, and not surprisingly I chose music. I met a girl called Lucy on the course and we had so much in common. We started working together a lot and from then on we were pretty much inseparable. She used to hang out in a local pub called The White Swan, so I started spending a lot of time there too. I also got a job collecting glasses in The Albany, so, ironically, I ended up spending most of my time in pubs.

  One day we were in The White Swan and a guy called Shaun Williamson was performing, whose name you may recognise. He lived opposite the pub in a tiny cottage with his girlfriend Mel and he was well-known locally. We became good friends and he very kindly invited me to sing in the pub whenever he did. He was also doing some other small paid gigs locally and asked if I wanted to perform with him at those. They became my first paid performing work. It made me feel much more confident about my singing. If people were willing to pay to hear me, I couldn’t be that bad, could I?

  Shaun is also an actor, and within a few months he was offered the role of Barry on EastEnders. It meant he had to give up the pub singing, so he offered to lend me his PA system so I could go out on my own. It was such a lovely offer but at 17 I felt I was too young to fly solo, so instead he gave me some blank Mariah Carey backing tracks to practice at home with. I have a lot to thank him for.

  Shortly afterwards, my Uncle Paul offered to pay for me to go into a professional music studio and record some tracks. It was something I’d been desperate to do for ages. Those sessions led to me singing on a dance track for an old school friend of mine called Matt Zillwood. I loved that because I could be completely anonymous. I got to sing but no one knew it was me, which was ideal. I know it may sound hard to believe but it was never my plan to be famous. I originally wanted to be a backing vocalist and I still love the idea of it now. I would love to sing back-up for someone like Adele, and feel important because I’m a part of something but not have all of the attention on me. Obviously that’s not how things have worked out, and I wouldn’t change what’s happened to me for the world, but certainly in the early years I was far too self-conscious and lacking in confidence to think I could ever be well known in my own right.

  Not only did The White Swan provide me with my first paid singing work, it was also where I met my first serious boyfriend, Darren. There isn’t any big romantic story behind it. I think he bought me a drink and we had a chat and that was it, we were a couple. He lived with his nan and granddad, who were lovely people, and I was round there constantly. I was absolutely smitten and it was much more fun than being at home. I remember Darren having to meet my dad for the first time. Everyone was winding him up because they knew my dad would give him a hard time. He was nervous so I told him to take my dad some beers, and when he turned up with some Special Brew they were instantly best mates. It didn’t take a lot to win my dad over!

  Darren’s nan and granddad ran a company which sourced homes for foreign students to stay in. My mum decided it would be a good way to make some extra money, so she started taking in students regularly. We used to have two staying at once and they had to be taken to the coach each day in Eltham, and then picked up and fed each evening. They had to speak English the whole time they were around us to improve their language skills and I think Mum liked it because it meant that Dad had to behave himself when they were around. We had so many students our front room started to look like a European knick-knack shop because they always bought us gifts, and sometimes we had a real laugh with them.

  My mum’s so generous and such a good host she would end up spending more money on the students than actually earning it. She used to buy them so much nice food and really take care of them. Because my brothers still lived at home some of the time, my mum had to be very particular about which students she hosted. She was terrified that one day some young French girl would come knocking on the door with a baby in her arms.

  We had one girl staying who was about 15 and she was absolutely stunning. Danny really liked her and he was desperate to impress her. He was playing drums in a band down at the youth club, so he invited her along hoping that she’d think he was some kind of rock star. He’d been boasting to every
one about how amazing she was but when she turned up she was wearing a short skirt and clearly wasn’t a fan of shaving. She had these really thick dark hairs covering her legs and once he saw them their romance was over before it had even begun.

  In the end it turned out it wasn’t the students Mum needed to watch out for when it came to Danny – it was the local girls. He’d been seeing a girl – we’ll call her Jane – for a few months when she fell pregnant and eventually they had a son called Jason.

  College was going well but after about six months I felt frustrated because I wanted to really get my teeth into something. I wanted to perform full time, so I applied to be a Redcoat at Butlins. I was really panicking about the audition and so Dad said he would come along with me and hold my hand. We travelled on the train to Minehead, which was quite a trek, and I asked my dad not to drink beforehand but promised I’d get him some beers for the train journey home. I kept my promise and when we got back to Albany Park station I headed to Darren’s and Dad went home. A couple of hours later I got a phone call saying that Dad was in hospital – he’d fallen down a pothole outside our house and broken his leg in two places because he was drunk. He was in full plaster and from that day on he started to go even more downhill both mentally and physically. He couldn’t walk for several weeks, and when he eventually got the plaster off, his leg didn’t heal properly. It was very thin and had no muscle strength left in it, so he was in constant pain and let himself go more than ever. He didn’t wash and he grew a big beard so he didn’t have to bother to shave.